Why Your Personal Time Keeps Disappearing (And How to Get It Back)

When did you last have a truly memorable experience? Not just a good day, but something that stood out so clearly you still talk about it months later?

If you're struggling to answer that question, you're not alone. Many busy leaders find their personal time disappearing into work emergencies, household catch-up, and mindless scrolling.

We tell ourselves fun should be spontaneous. We wait for free time to magically appear. Meanwhile, our most meaningful experiences keep getting postponed indefinitely.

The Problem with Spontaneous Fun

Here's what happens when we don't plan our enjoyable experiences:

Small stuff fills the void. Bathroom breaks, social media scrolling, other people's requests, and mundane tasks consume the time we hoped would become meaningful moments.

You might have a bucket list of experiences you want to try, but if those ideas don't become actual events on your calendar, they probably won't happen.

As leaders, we plan meetings we consider less important than our personal restoration. Yet somehow we expect our most meaningful experiences to just happen accidentally.

The Science Behind Effortful Fun

In her book, Off the Clock, Laura Vanderkam talks about research that shows planning your enjoyable experiences actually makes them more memorable and helps you feel like you have more time.

When you plan meaningful activities, Vanderkam says you experience them three different times:

1. The Anticipating Self - excitement and planning energy before the event

2. The Experiencing Self - actually doing the activity

3. The Remembering Self - sharing stories and reliving memories afterward

This means planned experiences give you more psychological "return on investment" than spontaneous ones.

Why Leaders Struggle with Personal Time

As leaders, we face unique challenges when it comes to personal restoration:

The Sacrifice Mentality: We think we need to sacrifice our wellbeing to show dedication. This is especially common in high-pressure environments where being constantly available feels like a requirement (I see you my military family).

Unpredictable Schedules: Leadership often means dealing with crises and last-minute demands that can derail personal plans.

Guilt and Permission: Many leaders feel guilty prioritizing their own needs when their teams depend on them.

The Strategic Approach: Four Steps to Effortful Fun

Instead of hoping for spontaneous meaningful experiences, use this framework to create them intentionally:

Step 1: Choose Your Season Strategically

Think about the rhythm of your work and organization. When are the naturally slower periods?

Plan your meaningful experiences during times when:

• Your supervisors are also likely to be taking time off

• Major projects are between phases

• You have something to look forward to after busy seasons

• You can refresh yourself before entering demanding periods

Step 2: Train Your Understudy

Leadership operations don't stop just because you're taking time for restoration. Plan ahead:

• Identify who can cover your essential responsibilities

• Create simple systems they can follow in your absence

• Build these systems with training in mind, before you need them

• Show your team you trust them by delegating meaningfully

This approach demonstrates that you're organized, not indispensable.

Step 3: Include Others for Accountability

Having other people involved in your plans creates commitment you can't easily break:

• Plan experiences with friends, family, or colleagues you enjoy spending time with

• Buy tickets or make reservations together

• Create shared anticipation and excitement

• Have someone looking forward to hearing about your experience

Even solo experiences benefit from having a planning partner who helps you think through details and holds you accountable to follow through.

Step 4: Consider Your Financial Reality

Sometimes our dream experiences are out of reach right now. And that's okay. Get creative:

• Find ways to create your desired experience within your current budget

• Be willing to step outside your comfort zone for alternatives

• Ask your planning partners for creative suggestions

• Remember that meaningful doesn't always mean expensive

The key is making the planning process part of the enjoyment, not a source of stress.

Why This Matters for Leadership

When you model intentional time off, you create a culture where wellbeing isn't just encouraged - it's expected and acted upon.

Your team watches how you handle personal restoration. If you consistently sacrifice your own needs for work demands, you're teaching them to do the same.

Strategic personal time planning shows:

• You can organize coverage and delegate effectively

• You trust your team with important responsibilities

• You understand that sustainable leadership requires restoration

• You make commitments to yourself and follow through

Making It Practical

Start small. Choose one meaningful experience you've been putting off:

• A weekend getaway you've been discussing with friends

• A cultural event you want to attend

• A learning experience that excites you

• Quality time with family members you miss

Apply the four-step framework:

1. When would be the most strategic time for this experience?

2. What needs to be covered in your absence?

3. Who could you include to increase accountability?

4. How can you make this happen within your current resources?

The Permission You Need

You don't need to wait for life to become less busy. You don't need perfect conditions or unlimited resources.

You need strategic, intentional planning and the understanding that your personal restoration enhances your leadership effectiveness.

When you invest effort in creating meaningful experiences, you're not being selfish. You're modeling sustainable leadership for everyone who looks to you as an example.

Your wellbeing matters. Your experiences matter. Your restoration matters.

Plan them like you would plan anything else important in your leadership role.